Don't forget to read yesterday's post for a great product review and giveaway!
You know when I browse through the past stories and journal entries, I can't help but think I was an asshole many times. Really crass. Most of the time, those were the ones who deserved it, but if people didn't know me, they would think I was a dragon lady. I really did have a good reputation and most often dealt with everyone in a very diplomatic way. But those stories were pretty boring. The ones where I was an asshole, really seem to be more entertaining. So, no worries, I won't repeat the boring ones. But here is one I had forgotten about...
While I was in town today, I drove to my family doctor's office. There was something that has been bothering me and lately I had a good friend tell me to stop fiddle farting around. So in I went. I was met by Bertha Badass at the reception desk. There she was... in all of her 300 pound glory, her pasty white sausages of arms greeted me as she crossed them when I entered. She was dressed very classy and was also sporting eternal bitch face. I think they put her at the front desk for a reason.
[Yes, this is politically incorrectness about to continue]
(Bertha) Can I help you, honey?
(ME) Yes. I would like to make an appointment please.
(Bertha) Oh, do you have that nasty bug that's been going around? We could fit you in this afternoon. The doctor has some room here. And if not, if you don't mind waiting a little, she will get you all fixed up.
So I told her...No, and gave her all the symptoms I was having...yada, yada...the dry cough I can't get rid of in the last 6 weeks... the lump I found on my arm...the mole next to it that doesn't look right...and then I told her I was suspecting cancer, but if they could just cut the lump out of my arm and send it off to the lab...that it would probably be benign and I would be all better. And besides the dang thing is starting to hurt. I was pretty dramatic.
(Bertha)Well, we could get you in on April 29th at 3.
(ME) *blink* * blink*
I literally could die of all the diseases on WebMD by then.
(Bertha) Dear. Did you hear me? April 29th at 3.
(ME) What happened to this afternoon?
(Bertha) Oh, I'm sorry. I was mistaken. Looks like the soonest is April 29th at 3, dear.
[LIAR! Those are saved openings for special occasions. Every doctor does it.]
(ME) I was hoping to get this taken care of sooner. I don't want it to get worse.
[You know, maybe I shouldn't have said the CANCER word because the frickin' virus from hell must be more important, since they can get people in right away for that. Maybe I should fake a heart attack.]
(Bertha) Nope. We are all full. Maybe you should schedule with your gynocologist.
[^%#$*#(*$*_#)(*+Q. Are you shitting me?]
(ME) [raising my voice a little]Look, ma'am. My BOOBS are fine. Perky and happy. My HOOHAH is super spectacular. If you want, I will show you right here and now. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CUT THIS FRICKIN' LUMP OUT OF MY ARM. OK. IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING, BUT IT WORRIES ME. I don't think anyone needs to make me ride the gyno pony, shove a cold piece of metal up my hoohah or squish my boobs in a vice to cut a stupid lump out of my arm. I would just like to please have an appointment sooner.
*crickets* And I mean these crickets were chirping in Africa and I still heard them.I don't think they grow crickets in Africa. Well, maybe. I heard they were a delicacy.
(Bertha) You don't have to talk like that in here. There are other people in this waiting room.
*me gritting my teeth*
[Listen, Bertha Badass, just lean a little closer to me and I will pull your ass over this countertop and give you a piece of my mind. Just do it. I dare ya.]
(ME) I'm sorry. I would just like you to check if there is an earlier appointment. You can check your records. I don't come to the doctor. Ever. So if I do...I'm serious.
(Bertha) I am not going to look you up. [Glancing back at the appointment book]
(ME) I have insurance and money. Whatever you need.
(Bertha)[gives me the stink eye] Are you trying to bribe me?
(ME) Oh, no, mam. [Hell, yes, lady]I'm just saying.
Then, my worst nightmare happened. Someone recognized me. And called out my name. And came over to me at the reception desk. She sort of looked familiar but I couldn't pin point it.
Then she said, "I was a juror on your last homicide trial. You know that one where that guy was shot like twice with a shotgun."
(ME) Oh, yes. How are you?
(Former Juror) You were so awesome and so stoic in court.
(ME) *big smile* Thank you. And thank you for serving on the jury.
She smiled and then went back to the sofa in the waiting area.
Oh, and, yes, I was going to use this to my advantage. I turned to Bertha Badass and said with a cheesy smile..
"He totally deserved it. And they let me out."
(Bertha) How about April 13th at 3 pm instead, honey?
(ME) I will be there. Thank you.
Yeah. Ok. Not my finest moment. But at least I negotiated down 16 days. That could mean life or death.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
A smile is the single most universal gesture we share as human beings. It is that important.
I am so excited to share Smile Brilliant! with you, a great product I have been using for a short time with big results. In fact, my smile has been noticeably brighter and bigger with compliments from friends and family. You will see in my before picture, that I tend to smile nice, but I cover up the stains with my lips. How? Mirror practice. You do that when you are embarrassed by stains. Yes. I brush my teeth. Like a psycho.
In my mind, I am a glamour queen and sport a movie star smile. In reality, my smile was hidden a lot during picture time and I was very self-conscious when I laughed.
All my life, my smile has been a something I was embarrassed by and I felt the tooth discoloration from fluoride left me with a very unflattering smile. I have never been pleased with my teeth as long as I can remember because they were never white. Believe me, I have tried many whitening products without this huge of a change in my smile. No joke. I mean INSTANT.
Even more thrilling about this post is the giveaway happening right here which is an awesome opportunity for you to experience this fabulous smile transformation. Click below:
So here is how it works...
You receive this package with detailed instructions. (See photo-The Package).
Really, the instructions are so easy to understand. No sweat. You know I am a true blond and if I can follow them, anyone can.
You begin by making your molds and sending them straight off to Smile Brilliant!
It was fun to mix the dental material to make them. I purposely made this picture blurry so none of you could take my impressions and use them on a crime scene. Oh, yeah. You can do that from digital photography. I used to do it just like CSI only on real crimes. Seriously. It could happen. Well, I trust you, but still...
|Making The Molds|
Soon, you will receive your clear Teeth Whitening Trays back in the mail to use with the whitening product. Make sure they fit before you proceed. Mine were perfect. They did send me my own teeth back. (Well, only in clear tray form-not for real, because my teeth are real and don't come out) Not one factory mix-up which is good because I would look a little funny with someone else's trays.
Included in the package is whitening gel and desensitizing gel. Each syringe has a lot of gel in it, so it lasts for several applications. Time limits depends on the results you wish to have.
I know, I know.
My photo quality is typical Fargo.
But, in the first photo you can see the yellow stains around the gumline and cracks. Gee. This is so embarrassing. It's a good thing thing I didn't take my before picture with broccoli stuck in my teeth. Nope. That picture was taken right after brushing.
In the right picture, albeit bad quality, you can see even (white) coloring happening across the teeth. Even my half-dead tooth on the bottom lightened up. There is a pic of a close up. The tooth was very discolored prior to using Smile Brilliant! If you are like me, close up dental pictures are not the grossest thing to look at, but still they are not pleasing to the eye. But in order to understand the magnitude of improvement, I felt I should include them. And this was just 3 applications!
|Left: before. Right-after 3 applications|
I have been using this product faithfully for about two weeks now, but I have changed my regimen.
The first week I whitened four times a week. The second week, I did two. I think two is perfect for the results I want to achieve and I believe I might scale it back next week to once a week.
My teeth constantly suffer from coffee and tea stains. You know how I love my coffee. I am addicted. And now I can enjoy a white smile without sacrificing my coffee and without feeling guilty about my teeth.
Bug is so impressed, she raves about it!
You can win your own kit and set of whitening trays! Click on the Giveaway Link above. And if you are not the lucky winner, or you want to start now...Smile Brilliant! is offering you a coupon on my site.
Why? Because they are nice. And because I am special. OK. Mostly because they are nice and very generous for you readers and Boogie Man fans.
Use this coupon for a discount on their site: Coupon Code: mommafargo5
I would encourage you to explore this great deal for a winning smile! You get professional results!
Enter the giveaway, visit Smile Brilliant!, and shop around. I guarantee you will be super happy. The cost is so far less than any dentist can offer. Believe me. I have inquired with both Wyoming and Indiana dentists.
I am smiling all the time now...big toothy smiles. If you saw me in person, you might get annoyed. I can't stop. But I don't care. My teeth are WHITE!
|Don't judge my wrinkles...or my unfinished makeup job.|
Friday, February 17, 2017
Jesus Has A Dog, This I Know
January 8, 2010-journal entry
Since taking in Jake, Sgt. Chaney’s retired police K9, our family has come to love him already. I feel very fortunate to have this bonding experience with one of our department's greatest K9s and most decorated officers. For him to live out the rest of his life with me and my family, I feel very honored. I can't express in words what an awesome dog he was and the service he gave us. Every patrol officer flocked to him because he was that spectacular. It really is kind of a selfish feeling for me. I can't help it. I am proud and he brings joy to the house. He is given the royal spoilage that any great hero would be granted.
He has motivated my daughter to clean her "hoarder" of a so-called bedroom.
I’d like to say she gained that trait from my ex-husband (who is in this story), her father...
"Yes, you’re welcome."
She told me today after taking out two bags of clothing donations and garbage, "Mom, I'm sweating fire. I have to have a clean room so Jake doesn't get lost." She knows he has arthritis and seriously...she knows he would get lost in that disaster. I didn't raise a dummy. She is very intelligent.
Jake has come to love the feather comforter on my bed and the rug by the fireplace. A dog after my own heart. I wonder if he likes red wine?
He has developed, however, my old age view of THE CHASE. Today, in subzero weather, he started chasing a rabbit. He went about 20 feet, turned around, and came back. He slept for an hour. Jake, buddy, I feel your pain.
He and I truly know the thrill of the hunt...and to know when the chase is futile is only known to me. He seems to disregard that notion. After all, I’m highly intelligent like my daughter (pats to myself on the back) and a person also knows how to adapt, adjust, and overcome their short comings. I will have to show Jake that even if we are too old for the chase, we will always win the hunt. Me…with the PoPo car, not my feet.
January 10, 2010-journal entry
It was January 10, 2010, a day it felt like the world stood still near the icy waters of the North Platte River. We had sat down with our daughter and told her the news. She, of course, was hysterical because she treated Jake as her dog.
She said it was her fault because she let him out to pee and he didn't come back. It doesn't matter how much you tell your little girl it isn't her fault, she is going to carry that weight of the world. I held her for as long as I could while she cried. I told her Jesus would take good care of him. I can imagine what Jake will do when each person enters the Pearly Gates. Look out folks, no one is touching Jesus. Jake is a monster when it comes to protection.
We have our faith and it is what we cling to in situations where death goes unexplained. I guess I can't imagine it any other way and my daughter understands things put in biblical terms. It may not ease the grief, but it helps to cope. Maybe it is our way of finding some peace in a tragedy.
On top of all this, I had to go to work and face telling my sergeant the news. So, I donned my uniform and gun belt and headed to town. On the way, I called my sergeant, bawling, and explained to him what had happened. Not a very strong moment for a cop because I was trying to do it without sounding like a blubbering idiot. Mission failed.
He was sad, but so gracious. He said, "At least Jake went out with his boots on. It's ok. It's not your fault. He was doing what he loved to do." Our conversation ended in mid-sentence because I think he had to hang the phone up. His voice had started to crack, I heard sniffles (he might deny that), and he last said he had to tell his wife who was also very close to Jake.
After facing the guilt with Sarge, my daughter brought the sorrow right back with her requests to me. She called me on the phone and pitifully spoke, "Mommy, will you please print those pictures of Jake from your camera? Thank you. I love you." She started to cry and said she “had to go now.”
I arrived at work with my tears wiped away and my sturdy work face on, but the guys could tell I was a wreck underneath. That, and my face shows all signs of blubbering with blooshot eyes and red cheeks.
They knew something just wasn't right. And they pry...because they are "Neanderthals" that don't know when to shut up and leave things alone, but God love them. But, I couldn't tell them yet. It was too new and I couldn't cry in front of them.
Later my husband called and said he had put on the ice rescue suit and went out on the ice to look for Jake. He said Jake's tracks went straight for the water and near the edge...his last tracks were at a run. On the edge of the ice were duck feathers…some on the ice, some floating in the water, and the rabbit tracks had veered to the right.
My husband was crying as he told me this and he said, "There is no way. There was no way he could have survived. It was too cold and frozen and we all know what happens in the river. I am sorry. We are all sad."
I snuck into the back hallway of the police department, where they keep Jake's trophies, photos, and newspaper clippings. Not that I don't have access to go there, just didn't want anyone to see me cry. He was a hero to our department for many years and to my little girl for just a short time.
Here I am about 6 hours into my 12 hour shift and I have been crying on and off all night alone in my patrol car, in the hallway, in the locker room. Good thing it isn't busy. And so I find time to write this down.
God must be watching out for me.
I have to suck it up.
When I go home tonight, I am going to miss my greeting...no more soft warm noses up the butt when I came through the front door in my uniform at 3:30 am. Some guardian angels have fur instead of wings.
Jake will surely be missed by all and especially me.